“Utang na loob,” or debt of gratitude, is one of the most beautiful values that Filipinos practice, as it encourages the belief that all good acts are meant to be appreciated and rewarded.

But as time passes, this value discourages the genuine act of reciprocity between people, and here are some of the best ways to beat it before it becomes toxic.

1. Do not help someone if you are not genuine

If you only want people to owe you, then there is no use in helping them. Everyone already has a lot on their plate, and if you are going to set them up in a debtor-debtee relationship, then you are just adding to their daily burdens.

For example, if you helped someone review and that person got a perfect score, a genuine helper would definitely say, “Congratulations! I am happy for you,” instead of “You only got that grade because I helped you, so thank me.”

This kind of act diminishes someone’s confidence and self-worth as you make them feel inferior.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be acknowledged when you make an impossible thing possible for others, but never use it as a way to make them feel as if they’d be nothing without your help.

2. Give without expecting anything in return

Quite similar to helping others, if you are going to offer something to a person, be certain that you are doing that out of real kindness.

If you only offer your friend extra cash so you can use it as a reason to order him around, then you have to know that something is wrong with your idea of “giving.”

Giving a piece of yourself and expecting people to give their all to you is just plain guilt-tripping. Although it’s not wrong to be appreciated back, mentioning your “acts of kindness” any chance you get makes it seem like people are obligated to repay you.

3. Know what your obligations are

A debt of gratitude, at times, becomes unclear when obligations enter the picture.

This usually happens among families, especially between parents and their children.

Ever heard of “children as retirement plans”? Well, as cruel as it may sound, “utang na loob” as a family belief can be really suffocating.

The feeling of being indebted to your parents can make you feel like you are only living and existing for others. It further breeds terrible feelings of resentment and disdain.

4. Avoid forcing reciprocity

This focuses on the emotional aspects of people who use the feeling of love as an excuse for how they act.

For instance, saying, “You know I love you, right?” is one of the most common forms of gaslighting with the premise of “utang na loob.”

It makes someone think that you did something for their good, even though they didn’t ask you to do it. Emotional manipulation through love is enough to control or abuse someone.

With this, it should be remembered to never reciprocate or manipulate someone into thinking that your “love deeds” have to be repaid.

5. Be transparent about your intentions

Even though it may hurt or disappoint someone, it’s always better to be honest about how you feel and what your intentions are.

If you are helping someone because you also need them for something, then it’s best to say it directly so you can still form a clearer connection and mutual understanding for doing things.

Most importantly, it helps you negotiate the terms of how you can help each other without being indebted.

This goes to say that there are boundaries and limitations that must not be crossed but are properly discussed.

“Utang na loob” is not a bad thing in itself if there is genuine compassion or gratitude, but always remember that anything can be toxic once unwanted intentions come in.